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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  May 27, 2013 11:00pm-11:31pm PDT

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- oh, yes, you are! - oh, yeah? - that only works in imaginationland. you're grounded! aw, shit. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. good one tonight. one of our favorite mrs. david sedaris is going to be joining us later on tonight. (cheers and applause) >> jon: but first if you get your news from the print media you might not be aware of the biggest story of the century. >> jodi arias.
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>> jodi arias. >> a verdict is reached in the trial of jodi arias. >> we find the defendant as to count 1 first-degree murder guilty. >> jon: an end to the saga that thousands of people who would actually do anything they could to get off jury duty were fixated on for 18 weeks. it is a sad story all around. a young woman possibly facing the death penalty. the victim's family gets justice but it doesn't bring back their loved one. no one shellishes -- -- relishes a moment like this. nobody delights in the gruesome spectacle. nobody slurps each lurid detail like it was a perverse joy, like they were an engorged tragedy tick. nobody would-- wait a minute s that nancy grace? >> he went to his own bathroom mirror and saw himself dying, as the blood was coming out of his mouth and his nose.
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>> jon: yes, all hail nancy full of grace. wherever you hear gavels and soning, court elvira will be there. that's not rouge on her cheek, she draws youth and vitality from human tragedy. how do i know? here she is before the arias trial. yes. (laughter) i hadn't seen that, actually, put up against each other. that is [bleep] up. by the way, if you think nancy grace's description of the murder was gruesome, you should hear her explain mass to her kids. in this he case four is brutally ripped away from 12 leaving what? a bloody stump of 8. (laughter) nancy grace pulled out all the stops for the arias verdict. and who has she apparently hired. this is a hell of a booking,
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pundit number four, the murder lady. the murder lady in your box. but now the verdict is in, the trial is over. what will our dark mistress do now with no youth-sustaining show trial to feast on. perhaps she'll just return to the crypt. >> ariel castro making his first court appearance. in about an hour we will cover it live. do you expect him to speak. >> he makes me sick. he makes me sick. >> jon: he doesn't make you sick. so alive. suck him dry. by the time this trial is over you are going look like this. (laughter) anyhew, as we talked about on this program previously, republicans have finally relized if they wish to ever go again go to the white house on a nonvisitor pass basis, they need to do i
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abetter job of appealing to women and minorities. and by better job, i mean job. really, any appeal to them what soph ever would help. that being said, that doesn't mean democrats can take their long-standing relationship with these groups for granted. for instance your south carolina democratic chairman dick harpootlian, last week introducing the man he hopes will defeat south carolina governor nikki haley through the purposes of what are you about to lear is an indian american woman. >> now at this time i would like to introduce, now do i call him senator or would i call him governor sheheen w what i do call him? that's what i thought. and about 18 months from now hopefully he will have sent nikki haley back to wherever the hell she came from. (applause) >> jon: so let's give a warm welcome to vincent she han-- sheheen who must now tacitly endorse way just said by taking its stage. if he did mean go back to
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wrefer the hell she came from meaning india, that is surprising coming from dick harpootlian a secretary immigration immigrant from the country of har pootel. -- a country named of course for its chief export harp poodles. that's-- okay, that's stupid. everyone knows a harp poodle is a cross between a poodle and a harp seal. yes. (laughter) that is what they look-- (laughter) >> jon: now we've come to the age old post inflammatory comment riddle. will harpootlian seek him out or bury him further. >> i apologize, yesterday if anyone inferred, i mean i'm the grandson of immigrants. i certainly wasn't-- she's not from india. she's from bamburg, south carolina where she was an accountant in her parent's clothing store called exotica. and all i'm suggesting is she needs to go back to being an accountant in a
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dress store. >> jon: he wasn't doing the nativist go back to where you came from, foreigner. he was doing the chauvinist ladies belong keeping the books in dress stores. (laughter) apology accepted. south carolina democratic party chairman harpootlian, you're losing women. north carolina democratic chairman party chairman, show him how it is done. >> he was speaking to the democratic women of guilford county last night. well, it this tweet caused quite a stir. the gop that is leading us, we don't know where they're taking us but they're raping us along the way, he reportedly said. >> jon: am i right, ladies, raping us, right, right! she knows what i'm talking about. they're raping us! of course he later apologized with the famed not intending to offend and explained why it was an apt and appropriate metaphor for him to use in front of a women's group by saying women and men with batt victims of abuse and-- i personally could have been raped. so i guess we're all good,
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how, ladies? here's how we know you probably haven't been raped. you used the term to describe political policies you disagree with. which brings to us our final democratic ent ran. >> neighbors here are calling for the resignation of township clerk dollaria plaqueo, plaqueo was reported calling supervisor dwayne parker the "n" word. flatco is apologizing for what she calls a slip of the tongue. >> jon: here is what i found about the n word, pretty hard to say. doesn't just slip out unless you have had a lot of practice. but let's hear the tape. >> he's just rubbing me the wrong way. he is just doing whatever he can. you know what i think of mr. -- right now, i know are you not even going like this he's just an arrogant nigger. >> jon: if that was the slip of the tongue what were you trying to say? you're not going to like this, he's an extravagant gold digger. you're not going to like hearing this, he's a harrowing
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tigger, she's an astronaut ninja. screenplay idea, astronaut ninjas. zero gravity. zero rules. (laughter) but obviously it was a slip of the tongue because you know, this lady she's not like that, right. >> i have eaten thanksgiving dinner with black friends at their house, so no, i'm far from become prejudiced. >> jon: i don't want to say anything but pretty much at every thanksgiving i have always been there is always at least one racist at the table so if you are at thanksgiving and don't think anyone else there is racist, you're the racist. by the way, here's my impression-- (applause) >> jon: here's my impression at thanksgiving at the home of gloria platko's black friend. >> get the [bleep] out of my
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house! (laughter) just a little advice to democrats, on your way home tonight maybe pick up a bouquet of roses or two because i done think women and minorities are going to leave you just yet but i
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>> jon: welcome back to the show.
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you know, i believe it was solzhenitsyn without once said i believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way, or somebody said that. but what should we teach them and where should we lead them. aasif mandvi investigates. >> reporter: young people today are under he for house pressure and it's easier than ever for them to slip off the rails. in the '70s the scared straight program tried to save troubled teens by putting them face-to-face with hardened criminals. today's at-risk youth need a new scared straight. >> i have one person that i want to you meet. this guy is going to melt your brain. >> reporter: pj, get in here. >> how rao doing? opinions okay, he may not look scary. but wait until you hear his story. >> i screwed my life up going to college. a private institution.
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didn't research, didn't think when i took loans out. i owe $170,000. that's a lot of money. >> reporter: yes, pj was here to scare kids who were at-risk of a college education. cost are up over $1,000 percent in the last 30 year, student debt at an all-time high and job prospects are dismal. career advisor marty themco. >> for many more people than in decades past, college is the wrong choice. those who are average students in high school, who went into college, they end up doing jobs that they could have done straight out of high school like selling extended warranties. or they are bartenders. >> i have a student that they had a bartending major. >> i think that is called english literature. >> reporter: yeah, english lit, nice! whooo! so had our given these issues thought. >> what are you going to maj never hns. >> history. >> socialiology. >> journalism. >> wow, do su have a time machine? because you're going to need
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one to go back in time to when people give [bleep] about journalism degrees. >> looks like these kids need a pj to put the fear of school in them. >> i add gra yated with a degree in il strachlingts i don't even do art at all. $170,000. that's a house. >> illustration is an economically useless degree. i will be dead before these loans are paid off. don't make the mistakes i did. >> mission accomplished. >> what did you feel like you got out of that. >> it's clear i shouldn't do anything with illustration. that seems like a bad life choice. >> that is your take-away from it you are getting a photography degree. >> two different things, right? >> idiots. maybe what these kids need is some professional help. >> look right into that camera. what advice would you give to a teenager who is thinking about going to college right now. >> think free time, give equal value to apprenticeships, taking a
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break from school -- >> i'm sorry, could you jazz it up, you are talking to teenagers. >> hey, dude, you know the college thing, there's something up with that, but is that the whole deal? i'm not so sure. you want to check out the options. things like, you know, apprenticeships. there are options, dude or dudette. you know, i have to be honest, you are kind of awesome at that. >> that's why i do the work i do, i love it. >> reporter: this time mission definitely accomplished. >> there are options, dude or dudette. >> so who's still going to college? >> okay, you know what? time to give this job to guys who never went to college. guys with real skill. >> dudette, get in here. >> what's up. >> why you smiling it? get your ass up here. i'll break your lips off. >> i'm going to drop a bomb on you. if you hate going to school, college is a lot like school. >> student loans are like
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herpes with compound interest. >> you make the wrong choice, you will have to move back home with momma, boy. if you want to be interesting at parties, three word, malcolm [bleep] gladwell. >> you got a college degree in this hand, it's day let paper in this hand. >> you ca take [bleep]. >> after two hours of enhanced education techniques i was hopeful these kids would finally make a smarter choice than going college. >> maybe now i want to intern at a recording studio or somewhere elsewhere i can get some firsthand, hands-on experience. >> nice, that was all worth it to have helped even one young person to stay out of school. and one more thing, learn chinese. it will help. 
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why shop t.j.maxx and marshalls?
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one. you get all the awesome brand names. two. you get them for less than department stores, and that's awesome. three. she'll think you look stylish and awesome. four. you'll actually be awesome.
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which is awesome. t.j.maxx and marshalls. two awesome ways to score. >> jon: welcome back, my guest one of our favorite
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its, his new book is called let's explore diabetes with owls. please welcome back to the program david sedaris. (cheers and applause) >> jon: an absolute pleasure. first of all let me say you look terrific. very nice suit, i enjoy it very much. let's talk about your book. you are all over the-- how far your book tour is, how many cities, how many-- do you even know any more? >> i think it's like 60 or 57. but i started, i think i've been to like 36 cities so far. >> 36 cities. which one did you hate the most? any of them? >> i just noticed how people dress differently in -- like in reno, nevada, the ice breaking question when i was signing books is why did you choose that t-shirt. i mean you think this was like a lecture tour so people bought tickets and
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they're going to the theatre. so you would just think maybe you would put on a long pair of pants or a shorts that weren't cuttoff, maybe, if you were going to-- buying a ticket. >> jon: what was the climate like, was it particularly hot and humid environment that people thought well, i don't want to perspire. >> i asked a woman wearing a count chockula t-shirt. and she was in her 60s. and i said is that your good count chockulat-shirt. and she said i didn't anyone was going to notice. you know, i think is the same-- you know when people go to the grocery store wearing anything. i think it's the same, you know, accept they bought a ticket and they spent $50 or $60 bucks. same thinking. but the people are all-- i mean i like them. i mean i like them all perfectly fine. you just notice from city to city. >> jon: were there other cities, are there some people that come in a top hat and tails, like is there a more formal. >> san francisco i find people-- . >> jon: are they trying to hard in san francisco, do you think? >> no, no, they-- but they
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put a little effort into it. that's just, i noticed. >> jon: did you find anyone came up to the table and you didn't say anything and they were like huh. i worked really hard on this outfit, like did anyone come out with appellettes or michael jackson outfit or anything like that. >> nothing that severe. >> jon: i love the count chocula thing because i didn't even know that that t-shirt, like she must have gotten it when she was 20. >> she was in her mid 60s and had a count chocula t-shirt on it. and i think she had pants on with it but it was a whole outfit. she was working the whole outfit. >> jon: we can settle this now, you have 30 minutes to go. i think you should ask people to wear the same thing. everyone should come in like the yellow jump suit. >> well, i like-- i notice there are people on the book tour and they are like that. but i talk to people so much that they are like let me let you go. let me let you go. because-- (laughter)
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i am either in a room by myself, i'm either in a room by myself writing or i'm out in the world. so i-- and so it's good opportunity in there is that theory that i'm working or a poll that i want to take. and-- . >> jon: a poll -- >> yeah. >> jon: you're asking-- so at a book signing someone will come up to you and you are asking them polling questions. >> yeah. like i have a theory when i started this tour that men with beards had guns. >> jon: uh-huh. >> but you know what i have discovered-- (laughter) >> what i have discovered men with beards have fathers who have guns. i'm 80% right on this, 80% right. (laughter) >> jon: men with beards-- have fathers who have guns. where is the beard grown at gunpoint? was this-- (laughter) is this a situation where they wouldn't normally grow it but the father is like, i insist. >> i met a guy and he was
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from-- his family from southeast, he had like 17 hairs on his chin. his dad had bullets, not a gun. not a gun. i don't know if he was going to throw them at people or what but his sdad just had a box of bullets but no gun. >> jon: do you find that different-- like if someone had a full beard would you be like we have to investigate this man's father. like he would have an arsenal, like were smaller facial hair configurations correlated with smaller weaponry? >> no, i met people with like van dykes whose dad had arsenals. >> jon: really? >> uh-huh. >> jon: and would they ever be taken aback like why dow want to know? like that? >> yeah. but then also on this score, i was out with a friend and i have known him since junior high school. and we went to a restaurant for lunch and the waitress asked if we wanted dessert. we hadn't thought about it, we thought okay, let's share get a piece of banana cream pipe pie. and i looked across the room and there were two other men splitting a piece of pie.
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they were around our age and they were gay. i am assuming they wer were-- because straight men would not share dessert. so i started asking men at the book signing, would share a dessert with another guy. and they said, like one guy said you know, would share a plate of buffalo wings. (laughter) he said-- but like a piece of pie, that's just crossing the line. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: i'm pretty secure in my sexuality but for the first time because as soon as you said that sure i share pie all the time so now i have to feel like oh, god s this the right lifestyle i'm leading right now. i'm going go home to my wife and be like honey, i think we have to talk. >> i met these other guys and they had just recently shared a piece of cake but they told the waitress, we're not gay. like they wanted to acknowledge that they weren't gay. (laughter) >> but then i met a whole
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other kind of guy whose's just all about the dessert. and he would eat frosting off another man's [bleep] if it was-- if-- (laughter) >> jon: go ahead, go ahead. >> if that's what it was being served on, you know. >> jon: see, here's how i know i'm not gay. in that situation, i would do this. all right-- on the book shelves now, david sedaris. (cheers and applause)
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show, join us next week at 11:00, here it is your moment of zen. >> it turns out there are some things even bill clinton cannot accomplish. like get led
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